Instant
by Kaleyanne
Summary: How can you get rid of instant maple and ginger oatmeal? By feeding it to the Ax man, of course!


Instant 

"What is this?" asked the disturbingly pretty morphed Andalite. He poked at it with a fork. "Isss."

"This," I said, gesturing at the actually kinda large plastic bowl, "is instant maple and ginger oatmeal, and if I eat one more spoonful, I am gonna puke."

Ax looked at it suspiciously, and then back at me. "Then why should I eat it? Why. Why-yai-yai."

"Because you haven't been eating it three times a day for three straight weeks," I grated. "Just eat the stupid stuff, okay? I am sick to death of it. My dad is sick to death of it, and he said if I didn't finish it off by today, he would teach me a lesson about waste and trash my video games."

"How would that teach you a lesson about wasting?"

"Hell if I know. Eat the freaking oatmeal."

Ax hesitated, and you know that really scared me. I'm Mr. Paranoia by nature. Anything suspicious sends my alarm bells ringing.

The Ax-man not eating? That's not suspicious. That's downright wrong.

I opened a can of soda and sat down across from him. "Something wrong, buddy?"

Ax picked up the fork again—I grabbed it and handed him a spoon—and frowned.

"I simply wonder. Onder. If this substance is so dangerous to Yeerks, I wonder how it might affect an Andalite."

"Well, if it does, just morph back really fast," I suggested. "Dad's not home, won't be for a while, and even if he is, he already thinks you're just my good old friend No, and a total lunatic besides." I smiled brightly. "Telling him you think you're an alien and created an elaborate blue centaur Halloween costume won't be too bad." Oh, and duh: "You're human right now anyway, and the stuff is perfectly safe for us. Disgusting after too much, but safe."

Ax stared at the bowl.

I stared at Ax.

Ax stared at his spoon.

I stared at Ax.

Ax stared at my soda.

I—aw, screw it. "Ax-man? Something you want to share with the class?"

"Ah, nothing. Ing, ing." He dropped the spoon into the oatmeal and took a bite. "Should I chew this substance? Ance? Stance?"

"Well, you never bother to chew anything else," I muttered. You know, he's ridiculous around food. Usually he's happy to eat anything he sees. You would think that if I take all the trouble to prepare him a nice healthy breakfast, he'd just go ahead and inhale it like everything else.

He swallowed. And sort of just sat there.

I prodded him again. "Ax-man?"

Ax frowned. Started to take on some of his normal serious persona. Hard to say which is worse—arrogant Andalite or psycho kid-in-a-candy-store.

Suddenly he shook his head and picked up the spoon again. He looked at the spoon like it could give him the secrets of the universe if he could only concentrate—or at least like it was some _Baywatch_ babe.

I was concentrating on Ax, wondering if I ought to ask him again. He's showing his Jake genes with that serious look. Or is it from Rachel? How much of their DNA is similar, considering they're cousins? Was melding their DNA patterns incestuous? Is that why Ax is so weird in human morph?

Nah.

Insanity takes time. I say this from experience.

I guess the spoon finally dispensed its infinite wisdom (or put something over that red one piece) because he turned back to the instant oatmeal. He ate another spoonful, chewed thoughtfully (and I started to wonder if this was really Ax, even though I'd watched him morph, Tobias had been with me when I watched him morph and surely Tobias knows Ax better than any of us…) and swallowed.

He made his serious-Jake, pissy-Rachel face again. He looked at the spoon like it had been wrong, like its so-called help had only succeeded in making things worse (or like _Baywatch_ had been canceled).

Then the weird thing happened. Serious-Jake, pissy-Rachel face warped. Jake's furrowed brow and Rachel's tight jaw shifted and twisted and all in the span of a millisecond, you understand. It happened in the span of time it took me to write 'Jake's.'

Ax made another face, in a lot of ways more familiar than serious-Jake or even the perennially pissy-Rachel. At the same time, it was really, really strange and weird and creepy and did I mention strange?

He was making a confused-Marco face. Confused-me. Possibly betrayed-me. At the spoon and even the bowl of instant maple and ginger oatmeal. He glanced up and even leveled my own suspicious look at me.

Which was the nail in the coffin, really.

"What's the problem, Ax-man?" I sounded annoyed, I guess. Looked it, too, probably. Pissy-Marco.

"I thought I had imagined it before," he muttered. "It was the strangest thing, really."

"_What _was?" I asked, testy.

Ax gestured at the food. "This… this…" Nouns must have failed him. "It was strange."

"You said that already, Ax-man."

"Yes, I know. I simply meant… I cannot explain it, I don't think." He paused. "Ink."

"…Ax-man, I am going to count to three." I gripped my soda. Tried not to crush the can and make a huge mess.

"Ah, all right, but… I think there is something wrong with this… oatmeal." He tapped the bowl for emphasis. "As I said, I thought I imagined it. Magined. But the taste was…" He spared a look for that traitorous spoon. "Unpleasant."

That loud, painful crashing sound was my head introducing itself to the kitchen table.

"May I try some of your carbonated water?" Ax asked politely. Ignoring my attempts at inflicting brain damage. Probably chalking it up to inferior human… something.

I waved my hand dismissively. Kept my eyes closed. I heard the distinctive sound of Ax draining my soda. The clink of the now lighter, probably empty can being set down on the table. Waited a minute in peace, before I smelled something right in front of my nose.

I opened my eyes to see a spoonful of instant maple and ginger oatmeal. Offered by Ax.

"I wondered if you would test my hypothesis," was his explanation. He looked sympathetic. Cassie-sympathetic.

"Thesis. Hypo. Thesis."

I opened my mouth tiredly and he fed me the whole bowl of oatmeal.


End file.
